WITCH HAZEL: VARIETY HOUR (2025)
WITCH HAZEL: VARIETY HOUR (2025)
“THE BIG APPLE” EXCERPT
BUY WITCH HAZEL VARIETY HOUR HERE
PAGE 1
This chapter features a special faux cover depicting Hazel in a medieval outfit, holding a basket of apples. She stands in front of an arched entrance labeled “MEDAPPLE TIMES.” Behind her, a path leads toward a medieval castle gate, where Cam, Jacq, and Alice are also walking inside, each wearing medieval attire.
On the horizon looms a giant apple. The ground is scattered with maple leaves and a few smaller apples.
CAPTION
AND NOW FOR THE MAIN EVENT
PAGE 2
Panel 1
Cam and Jacq race towards the entrance way of Medapple Times, a combination of Medieval Times and an Apple Orchard.
CAM
I can’t believe you’ve never been to Medapple Times before, it’s the best!
JACQ
You said there’s a petting zoo, right!?
CAM
And so much more!
Panel 2
Cam and Jacq skip along a sidewalk inside Medapple Times, they pass attendees in cosplay such as Dungeon Meshi and Beserk.
CAM
There’s an apple peeling contest, bobbing for apples, apple picking-
JACQ
I’m confused, I thought this was like a renaissance faire, so why all the apple stuff?
Panel 3
A group of guests pick apples, and in the horizon you can see the giant apple.
CAM NARRATION
This used to be the oldest apple orchard in Canada but it was bought by a theme park developer. The big apple statue is a landmark so they couldn’t take it down, so it was worked into the park's vibe.
PAGE 3
Panel 1
An overly complicated shot of the downtown part of the park, a bustling medieval town. Cam walks yapping as Jacq looks over his shoulder, recognizing a park’s guest, Alice.
CAM
I’m so jealous that Hazel got a job here, I used to come every year as a kid on school field trips.
Okay, so after we visit her at the gift shop we should-
JACQ QUIETLY
Hey, I think I recognize her..?
BAR WENCH OFF SCREEN
OH, YES!
Panel 2
A bar wench has a patron in shackles whose mouth she pours a drink into, like the tiktok videos.
BAR WENCH
Suck that cider allll the way down your throat, you nasty little harlot!
PATRON
Mmnnnff <3
Panel 3
Cam blushes as Jacq looks off
CAM
W-well that’s new.
JACQ
Hey, I think I see the gift shop!
Panel 4
Cam and Jacq walk off as the wench continues pouring cider into the patrons mouth
CAM
Y-yeah, gift shop. Right…
PAGE 4
Panel 1
A long line up of guests in medieval attire stand impatiently as Hazel frantically works behind the counter, attempting to cash out customers. Within the gift shop we see foreshadowing of the apple statue getting arms and legs as the design is being sold as a plush.
HAZEL
Sorry, everyone! Just give me a more few minutes to, uhm-
VARIOUS CROWD
Why is it taking so long?
Hurry up already.
I’m gonna miss who’s voted Apple of My Eye at the beauty contest!
CRYING CHILD
I want to gooooo!
MOTHER
Shh, eat another apple.
CHILD
I’M ALLERGIC!
Panel 2
A short, angry, Danny Devito / Wolverine looking man storms up to Hazel with a stick in his mouth. We see an antique cash register and abacus, no digital equipment.
BOSS
HAZEL! WHY AREN’T YOU LETTING THESE PEOPLE GIVE ME MONEY!?
HAZEL
I’m sorry Mr. Macintosh, but this antique cash register won’t open and I’ve never used an abacus to do math before!
Panel 3
The boss takes the stick out his mouth and points the end, a maple leaf candy, at Hazel.
BOSS
We call it an applecus here, and didn’t I tell you to take off that hat!?
Panel 4
Shot of Hazel and Boss behind counter
HAZEL
It’s just, I’m a witch and this hat is very important to my identity and-
BOSS INTERRUPTING
Yeah, well, if you want part of your identity to be working here -
Panel 5
Hazel sad react
BOSS OFFSCREEN / SFX
THEN TAKE IT OFF!
PAGE 5
Panel 1
Jacq and Cam excitedly enter the gift shop.
CAPTION
A FEW MINUTES LATER
CAM
There she is!
JACQ
Finally! This place has like a hundred gift shops and-
Panel 2
Jacq react
JACQ
WHY AREN’T YOU WEARING YOUR HAT!?
Panel 3
Hazel looks gloomy behind the counter, the witch hat is on the counter next to her.
HAZEL
Oh, uh, it was giving me dandruff.
Anyway, why are you two here? Come to laugh at my embarrassing new job?
JACQ OFFSCREEN
No way! This place is amazing!
Panel 4
Jacq excitedly talks as Cam looks embarrassed
JACQ
We saw so many cool things and Cam is totally obsessed with this kinky bondage lady and-
CAM INTERRUPTING
S-shut up, no I’m not!
Panel 4
Close up of a shocked Hazel as well as a drawing of Alice in a speech bubble.
JACQ OFFSCREEN
Oh! And I saw that girl you went on a date with, the witch? I think her name is Alice?
PAGE 6
Panel 1
Hazel slams her hands down on the counter in shock, surprising Cam and Jacq
HAZEL SFX
ALICE IS HERE!?
Panel 2
Hazel grabs her witch hat
HAZEL SFX
I’M OUT!
Panel 3
Hazel runs out the gift shop in dramatic fashion
SFX
ZOOOM
Panel 4
Cam and Jacq stand alone in the empty gift shop
CAM
So…
JACQ
Want to go to the petting zoo?
PAGE 7
Panel 1
Hazel runs alone through the apple orchard that now takes on a more sinister appearance as the trees grow tall enough to block out the sun.
HAZEL NARRATION
What am I doing?
I’m definitely going to get fired now for running off, but I can’t let Alice see me like that!
Working there… it’s all so… humiliating!
I’m a spellcaster! I’m meant for more!
Panel 2
Hazel holds her hand to her face as she cries.
HAZEL NARRATION
Who am I kidding?
I’m a magic school drop out that only gets the worst jobs because no one would hire me otherwise.
And worst of all: I’m afraid to see a girl I was too nervous to call back.
Why am I like this?
Panel 3
A set of striking narrow eyes peek through the leaves and apples.
HAZEL NARRATION
Some days I feel like-
I’m being watched!
Panel 4
Hazel looks over her shoulder
HAZEL
H-HELLO?
Who’s there!?
PAGE 8
Panel 1
The bar wench looks over the counter at her booth, calling out to passerby’s.
CAPTION
MEANWHILE
BAR WENCH
Who wants to have their lips wettened by Sinderella’s special cider?
Panel 2
Cam stands awkwardly far away while staring at the bar wench.
BAR WENCH
How about you there?
CAM
Me!?
BAR WENCH
What’s your name, saucer eyes?
CAM
I don’t… I don’t know.
Panel 3
Cam looks on at the bar wench’s drink stand.
BAR WENCH
How about a tall, refreshing, dripping glass of cider to clear your head?
CAM
Y-yes! Please!
BAR WENCH
My one rule is that you put your hands into-
Panel 4
Cam has teleported to the drink stand, flailing their arms to be tied up in the shackles, sweating profusely. Bar wench turns to the camera with a sly smile.
BAR WENCH
Hmm! I bet you would like to have the special treatment.
PAGE 9
Panel 1
Jacq sits in the petting zoo surrounded by animals. A child looks on sad that the animals are ignoring them as their parent shrugs
JACQ
You guys are so much fun! I wish Cam joined me here instead of being a pervert.
Panel 2
Close up of Jacq with animals
JACQ
Ahh, but Cam’s usually so reserved, it’s nice they’re getting out of their shell.
Panel 3
From outside the petting zoo Alice walks by.
JACQ OFFSCREEN
Hey, there’s Alice again! Should I talk to her? I don’t really know the full story of how things ended between her and Hazel. What do y’all think?
ANIMALS OFFSCREEN
BAAAAAAA
OINK
HONK
Panel 4
Jacq thinks, surrounded by even more animals
JACQ
Yeah, you’re right, I should probably stay out of it for now.
I just hope Hazel is doing okay.
PAGE 10
Panel 1
Hazel pushes through the overlapping branches of apple trees, now sporting golden apples.
HAZEL
Hello?
If you’re lost I can bring you back to the park.
If you’re a murderer I know magi-
Panel 2
Hazel covers her eyes at a sudden flash of light
HAZEL SFX
AHHHH
Panel 3
A beautiful woman with a dramatically cinched waist poses near an ancient looking, pale barked, withered tree that bears golden apples on its long, twisted branches. She holds one in her hand dramatically.
ERIS
Welcome, wayward witch. You must have a strong connection to the Abstract to have ventured into my hidden, sacred orchard.
Panel 4
Close up of the woman, she has sharp features and her cape is locked by a button that appears as a pentagal, the cross section of an apple core.
ERIS
I am Eris, Guardian of the Grove, Oracle of the Orchard. Ambassador of the Apples.
And who are you?
PAGE 11
Panel 1
Hazel shrugs, looking far less cool compared to this powerful witch.
HAZEL
I’m Hazel. I work at the Medapple Times, but I’m probably fired.
ERIS
Yes, I met a similar fate.
I used to tend to this orchard long ago, until it was acquired by those charlatans. After the purchase, they offered employment.
Panel 2
Eris stands beside the Boss from earlier. She is wearing the same clothes and levitates above the ground.
ERIS NARRATION
My tenure was brief.
BOSS
What the hell are ya wearing!? And I told ya to-
Panel 3
Eris extends her hand and the Boss bursts into flames
ERIS NARRATION
But in the end, which of us was truly “fired?”
Panel 4
Eris becomes swallowed by branches and leaves
ERIS NARRATION
I returned to my beloved grove and offered myself to the land, not to those who claim its ownership and know not of its true worth!
Panel 5
Shot of Medapple Times
ERIS NARRATION
Since that day I have laid in wait, tuning myself to the land's Abstract properties. Now, today, I will teach them all the power of an orchard scorned!
PAGE 12
Panel 1
Hazel sits comfortably across from Eris
HAZEL
That all sounds great to me! I hate this place, they said I couldn’t wear my hat.
ERIS
Did Mr. Macintosh say that? That guy is like, the worst.
HAZEL
Wait- Did you say you were going to have your revenge today?
Panel 2
Hazel remembers
HAZEL
Look, my friends are here and so is my, I hate to use this word, situationship. Is there any way you can move your wrath to tomorrow?
Panel 3
Eris gets mad
ERIS
I’ve watched, silent, as their stages went up, their banners unfurled, their music tainting the air where golden branches once reached toward the sun.
Panel 4
Eris walks closer
ERIS
Every blossom, every seed in this place has whispered its pain to me. They’re calling for their avenger!
Panel 5
Eris extends hand
ERIS
AND I WILL IGNORE THEIR PLEA NO LONGER!
Panel 6
Large roots extend from their ground forming a hand that smash into Hazel
ERIS
Apples were meant for knowledge, for power, for life itself! Not for frittering away in the grasp of jesters and buffoons. If your friends are partaking in such merriment, then they are just as rotten to the core as the rest!
HAZEL
AAAHHH!!!
PAGE 13
Panel 1
Cam is shackled at the drink stand, in the distance, serpent-like roots extend into the air. The bar wench runs away from the stand as the visitors flee in panic, leaving behind Cam.
ERIS NARRATION / SPELL
I’ll show them the orchard remembers well,
The apples demand what words can’t tell.
The trees will tremble, branches reach,
Pain is a lesson I’ll gladly teach!
CAM
Is this part of the special treatment!?
Panel 2
Jacq tries to guard the frightened animals as the tendril roots continue to extend in the distance.
ERIS NARRATION
The sting of poisoned roots, the taste of sour rot,
This land is ours, and it cannot be bought.
Their revels will sour, their joy will decay,
As roots reclaim what they took away.
JACQ
Stay here friends, I need to find Hazel and Cam!
Panel 3
Alice looks up at the sky as patrons run, panicking.
ALICE
Oh no.
ERIS NARRATION
Dance and drink in your fleeting cheer,
For the orchard’s vengeance is finally here.
Flee to your chapel, pray at your shrine,
But no God can save you from nature’s design.
PAGE 14
Panel 1 Splash page
Eris is atop the crowned smiling apple statue that now has arms and legs made of rooty tendrils, it towers over the MedApple Times amusement park.
ERIS
Do you all get it now? Can you finally see?
This land belongs to the apples…
SFX
AND TO ME!
PAGE 15
Panel 1
Eris extends her hands, summoning a bunch of flying bat-like apples with sharp teeth that flutter about menacingly.
ERIS
From the depths of my orchard, born of forbidden pollination, I give you apples that take a bite out of YOU!
Go forth, my lovelies, and show them the true taste of malus!
Panel 2
Alice turns around, surprised to see from the dust and debris of the falling empire, Hazel wanders, still hurt from Eris' attack.
ALICE
Hazel? Is that you!? What- What are you doing here?
HAZEL
I cough work here.
I didn’t want you to know that.
ALICE
W-What? Why?
Panel 3
Hazel collapses into Alice’ arms in a tear filled moment of reunion.
HAZEL
I don’t know. I don’t know why I do a lot of things, like not calling you back and-
Alice
It’s- It’s alright.
HAZEL
No, it’s not. I want to start making things right.
Starting with this apple-ocalypse.
PAGE 16
Panel 1
Cam is still shackled to the drink stand in the midst of the chaos.
HAZEL NARRATION
But first, I need to find my friends.
CAM
Hello? Is anyone there!?
JACQ OFFSCREEN
Well, well, well.
Panel 2
Jacq stands behind Cam with a smug expression. Cam looks embarrassed.
JACQ
I thought you weren’t interested in the mommy dommy.
CAM
Okay, I lied! Please, let me go!
Panel 3
Jacq devilishly tickles the shackled Cam
JACQ
I got a better idea!
CAM SFX
HAHAHA
Panel 4
Hazel facepalms as Alice looks on, blushing at the kinky scene of Jacq tickling a shackled Cam. The flying apple bats awkwardly and uncomfortably look away. In the background the theme park burns.
HAZEL
So, uh, these are my closest friends.
ALICE
It’s… a pleasure to meet them?
CAM SFX
HAHAHAHA
Panel 5
The camera peers through a shattered window of a destroyed tavern, the four sit at a table plotting their next move.
CAPTION
7 ½ minutes later
CAM
What are we going to do?
ALICE
How are we going to bring down that apple.
HAZEL
That’s it! We’ll bring it down by opening a portal beneath it into the Abstract!
Panel 6
Hazel looks excitedly at Alice
HAZEL
Look, tearing a hole in the fabric of reality between dimensions is a really bad thing, right? But what if it was a sort of “controlled magical demolition" to remove it from our plane? It’ll have consequences but it’s better than dying, right!?
ALICE
Yeah! Maybe!
PAGE 17
Panel 1
Hazel and Alice look away from each other, shy. Cam and Jacq do a thumbs up.
HAZEL
Except, it would probably take two spellcasters to pull off, so, we’d have to, y’know, do it together and-
Nevermind, it’s stupid, forget it!
ALICE
Actually, that sounds like a really great plan.
Panel 2
Hazel and Alice turn their attention to Cam and Jacq
HAZEL
But to prepare the spell we’ll need a distraction!
ALICE
Those flying apples need to be stopped, too!
Panel 3
Cam and Jacq smile
BOTH
Leave it to me!
Panel 4
The apple towers over the destroyed ren faire as a silhouette stands amongst the rubble.
CAM SILHOUETTE
H-Hey! Down here!
I got some forbidden fruit for you!
Panel 5
Eris React
ERIS
What distraction is this?
PAGE 18
Panel 1
Cam stands dressed as the Bar Wench holding two large pitchers of Cider
CAM
Y-You’ve been a nasty little apple witch! I think I n-need to wash out that dirty mouth of yours with some… cider?
Panel 2
Alice and Hazel are hard at work drawing sigils on the roof of a nearby tower.
ALICE
Why is Cam wearing the dress?
HAZEL
Because it looks great, stay focused!
Panel 3
Eris stands atop the Big Apple.
ERIS
Cider? You dare offer this vile mockery of my sacred apples, pressed and soured for your shallow pleasure?
I reject your offer and meet it with one of my own!
Panel 4
Eris extends hand
ERIS SFX
GO FORTH MY ROTWINGS!
Panel 5
Eris looks over the crown on top of the big apple
ERIS
W-Where are my rotwings? I spent all day coming up with that name-
Panel 6
Eris React
ERIS
holy shit
PAGE 19
Panel 1
Jacq devours the rotwings along with the animals from the petting zoo in a feeding frenzy
JACQ
FEAST, MY FARM FRESH FRIENDS! FEAST!
ANIMALS
BAAAAA
CRUNCH
MONCH
HONK
Panel 2
From a medieval tower Hazel and Alice are now in the eyeline of Eris atop the crowned apple.
HAZEL
Uh oh, I think we’re up now.
ALICE
We can do it.
Together.
Panel 3
Alice and Hazel join hands, standing within their spellcasting circle.
BOTH
The Abstract, surreal, more real than sight,
Lend us your strength to end this blight.
PAGE 20
Panel 1
The big apple begins falling into a pit below it with sinister abstract energy flowing from it, it tries to hold on with its roots. Its painted smile unchanging
HAZEL AND ALICE OFFSCREEN
Peel back the barriers, make worlds collide,
Open your gates, let this evil subside.
Panel 2
Eris screams as the interloper tendrils latch onto her, pulling her down into the pit as well.
HAZEL AND ALICE OFFSCREEN
From its corpse, let an orchard grow,
We gift you this seed, strange fruit to sow.
Panel 3
Hazel and Alice hold hands, extending their opposite arms as they are surrounded with abstract energy
HAZEL AND ALICE
This pact we forge, your will to bind,
The debt we owe shall be ours to find.
PAGE 21
Panel 1
A large crater is now in the middle of the park with vines surrounding it. Hazel and the gang look on.
HAZEL
This is not how I thought my first shift here was going to go.
Panel 2
Eris is entwined with roots and an apple stuck in her mouth.
HAZEL OFFSCREEN
Looks like Eris survived, that’s nice. I was literally on her side too till she tried to kill me and all my friends.
Panel 3
Hazel looks guilty
HAZEL
I just feel terrible about dragging you into this, Alice. I don’t know what debt with the Abstract we’ll owe and I wouldn’t blame you if you never wanted to-
ALICE INTERRUPTING OFFSCREEN
Hazel, sometimes…
Panel 4
Alice kisses Hazel as Cam, Jacq, tied up Eris, and the farm animals look on. In the background MedApple times is destroyed and burning.
ALICE
You talk too much.
GOOSE
HONK
CAPTION
HAZEL AND ALICE ARE NOW IN DEBT TO THE ABSTRACT, THE REALM OF MAGIC! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR THEIR FUTURE? WHATEVER HAPPENS, IT LOOKS LIKE THEY WILL FACE IT TOGETHER!
(NOT) THE END!
